[He's glad he can hide behind text. He's glad Albert isn't there to see the pain that simple message causes and how Jet flinches when he reads it.
The phone is set to the side as he takes a moment to bury his face in his hands. It's the 'fuck off' he'd asked for, Albert continuing to push him away at any cost, but it played right into that little seed of doubt whose roots hadn't been torn away since they were first planted a lifetime ago when Albert first agreed to giving Jet a chance. No, maybe it had been there longer, before it even had a purpose, planted by hands that weren't supposed to hurt.
It was the same seed that caused the voice that told Jet he was just a placeholder until some woman came along who fit perfectly with what Albert needed. It was the seed that had made him push everything and everyone away himself for years. Until Albert came along, that is.
He sighs and finally pulls his hands away, typing one small message of his own while he used that inferno of anger in him to keep his heart in one piece.]
[He wants to scream. There's nothing he can do to stop this, nothing he can say that's the one magic phrase that will make Jet stay away, make him leave the German and save himself. The one time he'd wanted it the other way and Jet remains contrary, staying when he should go after all the years of going when he should have stayed. He's impossible, contradictory, and it puts a flutter in Albert's chest even as the failure and the guilt remains an ever expanding stone in his gut.
He should tell Jet to stay away, say again that he's an idiot for trying, an idiot for still believing. Or he should plead, beg, order, or bargain. Find some way, some method to keep him safe. Anywhere that Albert is holds no safety for Jet, let alone here, in this putrid place.
But there's nothing. No magic word, no turn of phrase.
Instead he deletes the messages one by one, pulling them from the memory of the phone as if it could equally discard them from his own mind.]
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silberfuchs) wrote2013-07-16 11:48 am
//Private//
The phone is set to the side as he takes a moment to bury his face in his hands. It's the 'fuck off' he'd asked for, Albert continuing to push him away at any cost, but it played right into that little seed of doubt whose roots hadn't been torn away since they were first planted a lifetime ago when Albert first agreed to giving Jet a chance. No, maybe it had been there longer, before it even had a purpose, planted by hands that weren't supposed to hurt.
It was the same seed that caused the voice that told Jet he was just a placeholder until some woman came along who fit perfectly with what Albert needed. It was the seed that had made him push everything and everyone away himself for years. Until Albert came along, that is.
He sighs and finally pulls his hands away, typing one small message of his own while he used that inferno of anger in him to keep his heart in one piece.]
I'll see you soon.
//Private//
He should tell Jet to stay away, say again that he's an idiot for trying, an idiot for still believing. Or he should plead, beg, order, or bargain. Find some way, some method to keep him safe. Anywhere that Albert is holds no safety for Jet, let alone here, in this putrid place.
But there's nothing. No magic word, no turn of phrase.
Instead he deletes the messages one by one, pulling them from the memory of the phone as if it could equally discard them from his own mind.]